Lonely
by JadeBrycin2116
Summary: He has so much to say and all the time to say it, but what does it matter when it's falling on deaf ears? These are things he should've said when Wally was alive, now they're just empty words and promises he's saying aloud in front of a hologram to make himself feel better.


**Lonely**

I dont know where this came from but i was feeling so many things after the ep. this morning and i had to get something down :) lucky for you guys i guess

Usually i upload my oneshots to "robots n other shots" but i wanted this one to stand alone just for Wally :( my cousin predicted he was going to die earlier this week and while i saw it happening i didnt want to believe it and then it actually happened :( made me sad, and now i cant even pretend he's going to come back or something super fictional and awesome because young justice hot canceled. life is unfair, but thats why they made fanfiction. i hope you enjoy

i do not own young justice

* * *

He doesn't say anything about Wally when he goes to the funeral.

He does sit in the front because he was Wally's best friend, and well…he feels like that's what he's supposed to do.

He doesn't speak to anyone at the reception afterwards.

He goes, but what's the point of talking to anyone there? Usually Wally would be with him to cheer him up by making some sort of inappropriate joke while they're supposed to be looking sad and mourning. If it's not Wally he's talking to, he doesn't want to talk to anybody.

He doesn't cry in front of anyone, _ever_.

And he knows he should. He should have been right there on the floor with Artemis in the Artic, bawling his eyes out because, that was his best friend. Nobody knew Dick like Wally did and he couldn't even shed a tear for him. If the roles were switched, Wally would have lost it and he wouldn't have cared who saw him.

For the most part, Dick doesn't do anything.

He's numb for the first few days. He continues to wake up, to shower, eat, get dressed because he has to. Life goes on…right? Isn't that what they say?

He can't remember. He hasn't been able to think straight in days and he's a little bit happy about it. Every obnoxious voice he hears on the street is Wally's. Every person he sees with red hair or green eyes or freckles is Wally. Every time his phone rings, it's Wally…and he's glad, because the first thing he wants to do is just forget like a coward. But he knows he can't. It wouldn't be fair to his best friend.

As far as he's concerned, Dick cost Wally his life. The least he can do is remember him.

xXx

It starts off slowly.

_Simply. _

Yeah he told Kaldur he was "_taking a break_" but that doesn't mean he still can't visit every once and a while. He only does it really late at night when he knows nobody is going to be around, not that he doesn't double check first anyway.

The first time he does it is the night after Wally dies. He just goes and he sits with his back in front of the hologram and he just takes it all in for a few minutes. He doesn't speak or cry. He wants to apologize but he doesn't. He just takes comfort in being in Wally's presence. Something about it makes him feel better, makes it possible for him to wake up the next day, and God knows that he needs all the help he can get.

So he makes it a weekly thing.

The second time he stays longer, maybe an hour, and he just sits. He doesn't cry, because well, there's no one there to comfort him this time. He's too old to be whisked away by a billionaire and told that everything is going to get better. He doesn't speak because no one is there to listen. Wally isn't going to laugh when he's done and say something stupid that has them both smiling for hours on end.

Wally isn't going to say anything again ever…

And if Dick talks and Wally doesn't talk back, it will solidify that. Wally's gone for good. Dick's not ready to feel that. He's not ready to know the feeling again, of knowing that someone is truly gone. When someone's gone, you forget, and he can't forget. Not yet.

xXx

He shouldn't have let Barbara talk him into it. He wasn't ready, but she was just trying to be a good friend. He understands. Once upon a time, he could actually say he was one of those.

He wasn't a good friend to Wally, not towards the end.

And he hasn't been a good friend to anyone else since Wally left.

How can he be? He asked his best friend to make the impossible decision to come back after he knew how hard he was trying to leave the life behind. He asked Wally to sacrifice his girlfriend, only for him to make the ultimate sacrifice of his own life in the end just to save the Earth.

Wally lost everything to help Dick.

Dick lost his best friend to help himself.

At least that's how he feels. Nobody blames him. But who cares what other people think when you blame yourself? He hasn't looked at Artemis or Bart or Barry in the eye in weeks. He's ignored all of their phone calls. Maybe that's childish, but he just can't bring himself to do it. The guilt of it has been eating away at him for weeks, but he just can't. He doesn't want to hear what they have to say. It doesn't matter if they blame him or not. They remind him of Wally.

And he doesn't need them to help him remember Wally. He doesn't want them to. This is between him and his best friend. He doesn't need their help because he's not going to forget. He refuses to. If they help him, then they taint everything. He already messed up his friendship with Wally once in life, he's going to make damn sure he doesn't mess it up in death…so he can't talk to them. Not yet.

So when Barbara asks him to come by and have a few drinks with him at her place, he goes, only because he knows been acting like some weird recluse jerk lately and at least Barbara doesn't remind him of Wally.

Except well…she does have red hair like Wally…

But he pushes that to the back of his mind, puts on his best Dick Grayson smile, and joins her in her apartment for some drinks.

It's nice at first, just talking to somebody about nothing and knocking back a few beers. But then he starts to forget about Wally, and when he realizes that, he starts to get upset. When he gets upset, he starts to drink more and when he does, Barbara starts to notice. Of course she asks him about it. She brings up Wally, and he doesn't _need_ her to bring him up. He doesn't want to talk to her about it. He says that, but she keeps pushing.

"_Dick, you have to talk to somebody." _

"_You can't keep it all bottled up inside like this." _

"_Wally was my friend too, but you have to move on with your life. That's what he would want isn't it?" _

How would she know?

"I-I think I should go," is the last thing Dick says before standing up from his chair. He stumbles, not fully aware of just how much he'd drunk until this moment. Barbara frowns, and tries to convince him to stay. He's wasted. But she knows it's useless. He's not going to stay, _besides_, if anything happens, Dick's more than capable of taking care of himself. At least, he's supposed to be.

She tells him to be safe on his way home and he just gives her a wave of his hand and nods. He's not going home anyway. He hasn't sat with Wally this week and he doesn't want to forget to do it. Tonight seems like as good a night as any.

He manages to zeta in unnoticed as he makes it to Wally's hologram. It's late, so even in his inebriated state, he's not expecting to see anybody anyway.

He sits down, like usual, right in front of Wally and then lays his head back and closes his eyes. He doesn't cry, because he's drunk and that's not fair to Wally. Drunken tears aren't real tears. That would be like dishonoring his best friend…_wouldn't it?_

He doesn't talk.

Not at first. But then he gets to thinking and his chest starts to tighten and his heart starts racing and he just wants his best friend back. He just wants to tell him he's sorry.

_He's so fucking sorry. _

Then it's all happening at once, and he's not sure if it's because it's long overdue or because he's long past drunk, but he's dropping his head into his knees and he's sobbing, hard, like a lost baby. He's spewing out words in between each heave and he knows he sounds pathetic but he can't help it.

"Wally…I…I…I'm so-sor- I shouldn't…I shouldn't…this is all my fault and I…I just wish you would…that you weren't…" he starts but he has no idea where he's going. He has so much to say and all the time to say it, but what does it matter when it's falling on deaf ears? These are things he should've said when Wally was alive, now they're just empty words and promises he's saying aloud in front of a hologram to make himself feel better.

Because everything he's done has been to make _himself_ feel better.

He's been sitting here once a week for weeks to help ease his own guilt because if he goes, if he sits there silently for however many hours, it's like he's honoring Wally by not forgetting his memory…that's what he tells himself.

In reality he goes there every week to appease his own guilt and then lies to himself by saying its honoring Wally. If he doesn't forget, he's helping to carry on his memory. More like, if he forces himself to go every week he won't be able to forget Wally, like he knows he would…like the shitty friend he knows he is.

"I don't even…I don't know how to…What the am I supposed to do without you?" he says. Then he yells it. _"What the fuck am I supposed to do without you!"_

It feels good, to feel something. And maybe it's wrong to be mad at Wally, when really the only person to blame is himself, but it feels so fucking good to say something…

Until nobody answers him.

Then all Dick's left with is silence and reality.

"Wally?" he cries softly, as if to make sure the speedster isn't going to reply. "Come on dude, I know you're…Y-you can't really…A-answer me, please, do something." He's begging now, desperately as he struggles to stand up straight. He stares right in Wally's eyes and there's nothing.

And then it hurts. It _burns_. It's like a hole in his chest that grows bigger with every passing moment that he realizes Wally isn't going to answer him. No amount of hoping or wishing or remembering is going to bring him back. Dick is never really going to get to say he's sorry.

"P-please…I can't-" he starts before turning towards the wall beside him. He can't keep looking at Wally, standing there looking all forcibly happy and lifeless while he's fucking frustrated, guilty and miserable. "Somebody answer me!" he pleads, taking his fist to the wall before turning his back and slowly sinking down it, choked sobs escaping his mouth.

"W-Wally I'm sorry, for everything, just answer me…tell me it's going to be okay or something. I-I'm gonna be okay right?" he asks, looking down. His hand is bleeding and probably broken and it should hurt but it doesn't. It might be because he's too intoxicated to feel it, or it might be because Wally's silence hurts a thousand times worse. He can't tell. He just wishes it would start to hurt, to throb or something. He needs something to distract him from the emotional pain he's feeling.

For the first time in weeks he wishes he could get his thoughts straight and stop living with this Wally stained shade over his eyes like he has been. He can't figure out where to go from here. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to remember, how to stop feeling guilty.

All he knows is that Wally is gone and he's not coming back this time. Dick can't call him and ask him to go on some pointless mission for the sake of nostalgia. He can't ask him to make impossible sacrifices that no one who has any respect for their best friend should ever ask them to make. He can't do anything but wonder why his life sucks and why this happened and why God didn't just take him instead of Wally?

"I'm so sorry," he sobs again, staring down at the floor thinking.

"_It's just a hologram, you know? It isn't going to say anything." _

Shock doesn't begin to describe everything Dick is feeling when he hears someone else talking to him. At first, he thinks its Wally, or maybe he's hoping more than anything. He's a little drunk still, but not stupid. It only takes him seconds to see how impractical of a thought that is.

When he looks up he sees Bart, staring up at Wally's hologram, hands tucked neatly into his pockets.

"What are you-how long have you been-" starts Dick but he's too distraught and embarrassed to finish.

"I thought it would be kind of crash don't you think? Like if they I don't know, made it say some of Wally's best quotes and catch phrases and it had a motion sensor so that every time you passed by, Wally would say something. Like "_souvenir_" or something. That was his thing, souvenirs right?"

He turns around and gives Dick an innocent smile, a carefree smile. It's one that Dick can't help but be envious of. It's not fair. How can he Bart stand there looking so content when Dick's been a brooding mess for weeks?

"What are you doing here Bart?"

The young speedster shrugs, "The same thing you are…I think? I mean, you know with a lot less crying and yelling and hurting myself."

Dick looks down at his hand. It's still bleeding, though some of its dried up now.

"I just like to come down here and sit with him sometimes. So he ugh…_so he doesn't get lonely_."

The older teen rolls his eyes at the terrible cover up Bart gives him, "He's dead Bart. Dead people don't lonely."

In response, Dick gets a soft smirk, "They also don't answer you, no matter how much you yell at them. But that didn't stop you, did it?"

Dick opens his mouth but doesn't say anything. He doesn't really know what to say.

"It's okay. I used to…I used to ask him questions, like advice on how to be a good Kid Flash. It sucks the first few times because you feel like he's going to answer and then it's silent. There's like this ache in your chest when you realize he's never going to answer you again, but it goes away eventually, trust me. He wouldn't want you to be miserable anyway. That wasn't Wally."

"And how am I supposed to be then? What am I supposed to feel, because it's been weeks and I keep coming down here and all I ever feel is miserable…and guilty, and responsible and just like all around shit. I have to force myself to even remember him because all I want to do is forget, to forget my _best friend_, but I can't because I refuse to hurt Wally any more than I already did. How the hell am I supposed to get over any of that?"

Bart shrugs. "I don't know. I came back to the past to save the Earth from Reach apocalypse and save my grandfather from dying, but ended up probably causing the death of my cousin in the process. How do you think I feel?"

"It's not a competition Bart."

"I never said it was…But you can't just think about yourself. Barry, _grandpa_, has been torn up about this since it happened. My grandma hasn't stopped crying, even now, and she has two babies to raise. Have you even talked to Artemis? She's been trying, but it's just like she's going through the motions. She still really hasn't gone back to being Artemis…which you would know if you bothered to talk to anybody."

Dick just lowers his eyes, angry at the turn the conversation has taken. He knows he should've been around, he doesn't need Bart rubbing it in. "What is this? Are you trying to guilt me into coming around or make me feel better by telling me about how the rest of you have it worse?"

Bart doesn't say anything at first, just turns his attention back to the hologram of a very proud, smiling Wally. "Sometimes I wished I would've just stayed in the future," he finally states, "But it took me a while to realize that wouldn't help to fix anything. Yeah, Wally would still be alive but everything would turn to shit in the end."

"Who's to say it still doesn't?" Dick says rather pessimistically.

Bart shrugs, "I don't know, but I'm going to try my hardest to see that it doesn't. That would sort of be a waste of Wally's entire sacrifice, wouldn't it? What kind of friends would we be if we let him die for nothing? Not very good ones."

"I'm pretty sure I haven't been that good of a friend to Wally in a long time anyway."

"That's not true."

Dick almost wants to laugh at that. What would Bart know anyway? He's just a kid. He wouldn't understand.

"I mean, you're here aren't you, bawling your eyes out? That counts for something right? Besides, if Wally didn't consider you a good friend, he would have never put the suit back on for you. You had to mean something to him for him to do that. Even Grandpa couldn't get him to do that."

"Yeah, I guess so…"

It's silent again, but Dick carefully making his way towards Bart and forcing himself to stand still beside him. They both stand in silence staring up at their fallen comrade before Bart lowers his gaze.

"So what are you doing here anyway?"

"_Huh?"_

"You asked me. It's only fair."

Dick turns his gaze towards the ground and answers, "I ugh…I come every week and well…It helps me not to forget I guess. But I had some drinks with Barbara before I came and then, well I guess you saw the rest."

"It's okay to be upset. Like, it's okay to cry and everything."

"I know that."

"You didn't at Wally's funeral. You didn't even say anything. Knowing _that_ would probably hurt Wally more than you not showing up to his hologram every week."

"Well I can't take that back now can I?" Dick says, feeling a lump form in his throat because Bart's probably right and it sucks knowing that he is. Now he can add selfish to the ever growing list of things he feels.

He can't stop the tears he feels streaming down his cheeks and they only get heavier and more persistent as the minutes pass. He can't even breathe until Bart puts an arm around him in an effort to calm him down.

"I just want him to know how sorry I am, f-for dragging him back into this. I should've just let him be. He was safe. He was happy."

"Something tells me if you didn't bring him back, something else would have eventually. Don't beat yourself up about it dude. If Wally was here-"

"He's not."

"Yes, I know, but _if he was_…he wouldn't want to see you like this, over anybody, especially not him. You're not going to forget him or whatever you think. You weren't a bad friend and I'm sure he knew that. You're going to be okay, even without Wally. It hurts now, but it'll stop eventually and everything will be crash again and everyone will be okay. It isn't going to happen overnight though."

Dick looks over at the speedster, eyes red and eyebrow raised, "To only be thirteen, you seem to have a lot of good advice and reassuring things to say. How could you possibly know that everything is going to turn out okay? We could all die tomorrow."

"But we don't," Bart says before drawing his lips into a smirk, "Just trust me, I'm from the future. I know things alright?"

Dick just nods with a smile because he doesn't know what else he can say. He's tired and he's coming down from the beers he drank. His hand is starting to hurt and he's all cried out. He just wants to go home. Of course Bart makes him come get his hand checked out first. He goes.

And Dick doesn't cry anymore, not for the rest of the night, not ever. Though he does get the urges to cry a little every now and then, especially when something reminds him of Wally. He's never going to quite get over that.

He doesn't say anything about it again. There's no need, not because Wally isn't going to answer him, but because it still hurts, and he isn't ready yet. It'll all come up eventually and he'll talk about it or talk to someone or talk to the hologram when he's ready, but he's not ready. And he's not sure when he will be.

He does keep apologizing every day, but not aloud and not really to anybody. It's just in general, because he never wants to know this feeling of extreme guilt on his heart ever again, and he knows that Wally wouldn't want him to live his life feeling guilty either.

And finally, he keeps coming to the hologram and sitting by it once a week.

Not because he's going to forget…just because he misses Wally and just like Bart said,

_He doesn't want him to get lonely. _

* * *

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